more post getting private... am not sharing to the whole world what I write/will be writing.. hurms..
I don't really like it, but I just have to let out my feelings somehow.. I have no one else to go.. to talk to.. it's either I am afraid, or I don't know who else I have.
people are mad at me coz I let go.. let go of someone who I have, for someone who I thought I have, which in the very end, turn out to leave me so very alone. I am really messed up. it has been months since I'm like this.. it does not make me feel any better. the moment I thought I am okay, is the very moment I am just getting worse and worse and worse..
at first it only affect my mood, which means, my eating and my sleeps are affected. I will eat when I feel like eating, and I sleep when I can sleep.. most of the time, I will be crying myself to sleep. a something I have to do in order for me to get my sleep.
now, the same thing still happen. BUT, it is much much much worse. I lost my appetite. I eat very little, even when I am breaking fast(?). I am getting headache everyday. I can cry very very easy, and hardly sleep even after I cried. I have dreams and nightmares most of the time when I took my nap or went to bed, even after I wake up to basuh muka and kaki. after tidur balik, another nightmares will come..again..again..and again.. I don't feel like having fun, refuse to meet my friends or anyone else, afraid that I will get hurt more, afraid that I might break and fall apart. I have back pain, which is something that is very new. I am afraid to sleep because I hate the nightmares. I lost my focus especially when I am driving, which is extremely not good.. etc etc.. entah lah.. I wonder why it hurts so bad. I never ever like this before..
seriously, I don't know what should I do. I am too give up for everything sudah. the last time I get phone call was on 3rd of August. last keluar was on the very same day.. that is sangat sangat sangat tajam..
I really don't know.. maybe I never mean anything to that you. so it's that easy to let go.. it's just that easy to say to me that you want to move on, want to find another girl and stuff. like I was just for testing.. you like me, you stay.. you don't like me, you throw me away.. that is seriously, a big auch to me..
ntah la.. am now crying.. I cannot write anymore. it's 330+ am already and it's actually I just got up from a nightmare.. I don't know.. I want to write more.. but I think I can't anymore..
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